i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
