Michael Bay diarrhea
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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