i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
