I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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