Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
