I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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