Yo dont text me then not text me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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