So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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