I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
