Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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