Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize