It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
