I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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