my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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