my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
