I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
