when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
