my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
