I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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