I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
