i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I pour the whiskey from now on
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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