I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
