They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Is Oprah even human
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
