Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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