I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
