i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
