My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
