You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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