when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
