Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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