I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
