The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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