Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
