apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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