Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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