Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
do herpes really smell.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
