im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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