biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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