Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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