What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
