I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
