Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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