Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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