the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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