You're so nebulous sometimes
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
