I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
