Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
