I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
