Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This is the high leading the old right now
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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