On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
wow bdsm is so cute
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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