He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
