It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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