I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
