she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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