I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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