they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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