My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
