I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
